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Finn Jokes, Page 3



Sven got a new truck ya know. So he called up Ole and says, "Ole, I got me a new truck! Do ya vant to go ice fishin' vith me?"

"Sure!" says Ole.

So Ole vent vith Sven. (Lena came along too cuz' she was doin' nuttin anyway.) Well Sven and Lena sat in the front seat and Ole sat back in the bed of the truck. Well dey vere on de ice ven all of de sudden de truck vent right through the ice!

Now even though Sven and Lena are pretty big people, dey managed to get out of the truck, up to the surface, and back on top of the ice.

Sven says, "Ole vat took you so long!"

"Vell," says Ole, "It took me a vhile to figure out how to open the gate."

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Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Ole replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"

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Ole and Sven went on an expensive fishing trip and returned with only one fish.

"The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400," said Sven.

"Vell," replied Ole, "At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more."

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Ole and Sven were trying to get a mule into the barn, but it's ears were too long. Ole looked at the barn and then looked at the mule. Finally he suggested raising the barn.

Sven thought about this and said, "I tink it vould be easier to dig a trench."

"No, you dummy," exploded Ole, "it's dah ears dat are too long, not dah legs!"

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Sven and Ole decide one day to enter thoroughbred horse racing, and they each go out and buy a horse. Unfortunately, they only have enough money left afterward to rent one stable.

"Yimminy, Sven," says Ole, "Vit' bot' our horses in one stable, how vill ve tell dem apart now?"

Sven says, "I got me an idea." He grabs a bucket of red paint and paints a big X on the side of his horse.

"Ya sure," says Ole, "Dat'll vork yust fine."

But when they go to reclaim their horses from the stable after the first race, the horse's sweat has washed the X completely away, and they spend hours arguing over which horse belongs to who.

Once they've sorted their horses out again, Sven says to Ole, "Vell? You got any bright ideas?"

"Ya sure," says Ole, and he cuts his horse's tail very short. "Dere. Now ve can tell."

And, in fact, the idea works just fine, until Ole's horse's tail grew back out, and they got their horse's confused again. After a good rousing fist fight, they get everything straightened out.

"Ve need a good way to tell dem darn tings apart," says Ole, nursing a black eye.

"Ya sure," says Sven, "But vat?"

They sit and think for a long time, and then suddenly Ole bursts to his feet. He runs off, and returns a few minutes later with a measuring tape. He measures one horse and then the other.

Sven asks, "Vill it vork?"

Ole proudly exclaims, "Ya sure Sven! Dat dere black horse is FOUR INCHES shorter than the brown one!"

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Sven was walking near the riverfront, (always the toughest part of town), when he spied a travel agency. He was attracted by a sign in the window announcing: "Luxury Cruises, only $69.95." He entered the travel agency and inquired about the luxury cruise. The travel agent asked Sven whether he had $69.95 cash, and Sven replied, "Yah, sure!"

Three rough characters came from the rear of the establishment where they had been concealed, hit Sven over the head, took all his cash, stuffed him into a barrel and dumped the barrel into the river.

A bit later, Ole was attracted by the same sign in the same window. He walked inside and inquired about the luxury cruise. The travel agent asked Ole whether he had $69.95 cash, and he replied, "Yah, sure!"

Three rough characters came from the rear of the establishment where they had been concealed, hit Ole over the head, took all his cash, stuffed him into a barrel and dumped the barrel into the river.

Sven and Ole bobbed down the river in their barrels for a few minutes, until they both regained consciousness. Sven spied Ole next to him and asked, "Say, do you know whedder dey serve dinner on dis cruise?"

"Naw, I don't tink so," replied Ole; "dey didn't serve dinner last year!"

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Ole was having trouble with his son, Hjalmar, in school. In most respects, Hjalmar was getting good grades. But in math he was having a lot of difficulty. Ole tried talking with the teacher, but he informed Ole that everything had been tried. The principal at school said the same. Both Ole and Lena tried tutoring Hjalmar, but things only got worse.

Finally, Ole and Lena decided to enroll Hjalmar in a parochial school. After about 3 weeks, the report cards came out, and Hjalmar had gotten an "A" in math! Ole and Lena were proud as could be, but were also quite curious. And so they asked Hjalmar, "Hjalmar, how did you do it? How were you able to get an A in math in this here school?"

Hjalmar replied, "I knew I had to shape up real fast. On the first day at the new school, we all went into the church for morning devotions, and I looked up at the front wall and saw this huge PLUS sign with a man nailed to it. And I knew right there and then that this school was real serious about math!"

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Ole told Lena one morning that he was going to chop down 20 trees in the woods with his ax and he would be done by suppertime. He worked and worked all day long and could only chop down one tree. He was so tired that when he came in for supper he went right to sleep without eating.

The next morning Ole gets up bright and early and tells Lena: "I am goin' into town to pick me up vun of dose chain saws. Dat der ax yust don't vurk to good." So Ole heads off into town and stops at the hardware store to buy a chain saw.

He tells the hardware store owner what he wants and the owner says: "Ah, here's the chain saw you want and it is guaranteed to cut down 20 trees in a day."

Ole gets all excited and says: "Dat's yust vhat I need! I'll buy it."

So Ole takes his new chainsaw home and gets up bright and early again the next day. He works all day and can still only cut down one more tree. He is beat red while he tells Lena: "Dis here chain is a piece of yunk! I am going to get my money back!!"

He storms back into town the next day to return the chain saw. He tells the hardware store owner: "Dis here chain saw you sold is defective. You told me I could cut down tventy trees and I could only cut down vun!!!"

The store owner looks puzzled and says: "Oh?, let's see if it works OK." The store owner proceeds to start up the chain saw and it runs perfectly normal. BRRUMMMM....Mmamamamama.....BRUMMMMM..mmamamamama

Ole jumps back in horror and yells: "VHAT'S DAT NOISE????"

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Ole and Sven were out deer hunting in Northern Minnesota. Sven shot a really nice buck and Ole was helping him pull it out of the woods. They had a rope tied to one of the hind hoofs and they were pulling and struggling, going through the deep snow with the other three legs sticking out and getting caught on every clump of brush and whatnot along the way.

About that time, the Game Warden came along. After checking their deer tag, he said, "You know, it would be a lot easier if you tied the rope to the antlers and pulled him head first. Then the legs wouldn't get caught on everything."

Ole looked at Sven and said, "By golly, I think he's right."

The Game Warden went on his way and Ole and Sven re-tied the rope to the antlers and started pulling. It was a lot easier. After about twenty minutes, Sven said, "Ole, that Game Warden sure was right. This is a lot easier, but aren't we getting further away from the car?"

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Ole was looking for a job and spied an ad that interested him in the paper.

"Help Wanted, Private Investigator, clear thinking type with lots of ambition."

Ole thought, "That's me all right," and went for the interview.

The interviewer started with a little small chat and sized Ole up pretty quickly. "Ole, just a few more questions and I think I can make a decision. First, what's one plus one?"

Ole thought and quickly replied with a smile, "11."

"Good answer Ole, now for one a little harder. What two days of the week start with a T?"

Now Ole was happy, cause he knew this one too, "Today and tomarrow," he replied.

The interviewer was a little startled. "Ok, Ole, ok, . . . How about, Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Ole was happy as a lark. He got up and left the interview. On his way home he ran into Sven.

Sven asked, "Ole, how did the job interview go?"

Ole replied, "Great, I got the job. They've already put me on a case!!"

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Ole vas oud in da boht, fishin' yu know. Vell, dis green bottle comes floatin' by in da vind. He vatches it go by. Den, a little vile later, da vind svitches arount an da bottle comes floatin back.

So...Ole picked it outa da vater and pulls da cork. Out pops a big Genie. "Thank you for letting me out....I will grant you your fondest wish."

Vell, Ole tinks and tinks and den he says, "I vould like to go for a visit to da olt country. But, I hate de ocean and I can't stand to fly. Built me a bridge back to Finland!"

The Genie just about fell over. "Do you have any idea how difficult that would be? That's a long way. There are places where the ocean is almost a mile deep and the footings would have to be way down there. It would have to be very high off the water to avoid all shipping. Just the lighting requirements are tremendous. Let's not even get into the permits and the EPA plan requirements." The Genie sighed. "Give me an alternate wish in case I can't get this done."

Ole tinks and tinks and den says, "OK. Vork on my brain so I'm just a bit smarter and can figure tings out easier."

The Genie answered, "Do you want two lanes or four?"

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Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could give birth to their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to inform him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that it is a Caesarian."

Ole started crying: "Vell, I'm glad it is a healthy baby...but I vas kinda hoping it vould be a Finn."

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It seems Sven went over to Ole's house for a visit and was met at the door by Lena who said, "Ole's in da back yard burying da cat. He died ya know."

"So, I yust go 'round da house and wisit widim," says Sven.

Coming upon Ole, Sven sees there is not one but three holes freshly dug. "I thot Lena says you were burying da cat, but I see tree holes."

"Ya," says Ole, "dem udder two weren't deep enough. But you are yust in time for da funeral."

Whereupon Ole swoops up the cat which by now is stiff as a board, it being -40 degrees owning to the wind chill in Lake Wobegone, holds it out at arms length directly over the hole and begins to say, "In da name of da fadder, and of da son, and in the-hole-he-goes."

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Sven was just pulling his boat up on shore when Ole wandered up with a puzzlement:

Ole: Sven! What cho been doin?

Sven: I bin fishin, Ole. Wha cho tink I bin doin with dese here rods?

Ole: Ditcha catch anythin?

Sven: (Under his breath: "Dumb Norwegian.") Of course I catch somethin. Sven alvays catches ven he fishes.

Ole: If I guess how many you catch will you gimme one o' dem?

Sven: If you guesses how many I catch I'll give you BOTH of dem!

Ole: I guess THREE!

Sven: Dat ain't bad. You only missed it by TWO!

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Ole and Sven were taking a new vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.

Ole: What you do dat for, Sven?

Sven: Dat sign say "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper be thirteen feet!

Ole: Look here, Sven, der ain't no cops around. Hit de pedal and go for it!

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Sven and Ole were coming home late one night from the local bar. Worried that their wives would be furious with them for being so late, they decided to take a shortcut through the town cemetery. As they stumbled their way through the grounds, they decided to stop and rest. The town had just paid for the restoration of some of the tombstones, and several had been reset with the supporting wire attached to nearby trees. Now Sven and Ole just happened to stop close to a recently departed friends grave.

Sven saw the wire, turned to Ole and said: "Hey! Take a look at this! Peterson is doing real well now!"

"How do you know that?" asked Ole.

"Can't you see?" Sven answered, "Peterson has the phone installed already."

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Ole: "Did you hear about the tragedy at the main library in Helsinki?"

Sven: "No. What happened Ole?"

Ole: "All the books were lost in a terrible fire. Both of them just blazed out of control! Worst part is one of them hadn't even been colored in yet."

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Ole and Lena, getting up in years, are in the living room watching TV.

Ole: I think I'll go get a little ice cream, would you like one?

Lena: Yes. Could you get me a scoop of vanilla.

Ole: I can do that. (And heads for the kitchen)

Lena: Don't you think you'd better write that down?

Ole: No, I can remember, a scoop of vanilla. (Heads for kitchen again)

Lena: Ole, while you're at it, how about putting a little chocolate syrup on mine.

Ole: I can do that.

Lena: Don't you think you'd better write that down?

Ole: No, I can remember, vanilla ice cream with a little chocolate syrup. (Gets closer to the kitchen)

Lena: You know, Ole, some crushed peanuts would also be nice.

Ole: I can do that.

Lena: Don't you think you'd better write that down?

Ole: No, I can remember, a scoop of vanilla, chocolate syrup, and crushed peanuts.(Ole goes into the kitchen)

Half an hour later, Lena's getting worried and is about to go looking for him, when Ole comes out of the kitchen carrying two plates of fried eggs and bacon.

Lena: Ole! I knew you should have written it down. I wanted my eggs scrambled!

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Ole and Lena were at the Art Museum and Lena wanted to take Ole's picture. "Back up a bit Ole," said Lena.

So he did and knocked over a 2000 year old Ming Vase. "Oh my, Ole, we have broken the vase and the curator is not going to be pleased at all!"

Sure as to her word the curator shows up and says to Ole: "Good grief, you have broken that Ming Vase...that was 2000 years old...do you have anything to say for yourself?"

Ole says, "Thank goodness!!! I thought it was brand new."

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Ole was looking for a job and heard that their was an opening for a janitor at the local Lutheran church. He applied for the job and the interview went very well. "You have the job," he was told, "just sign this paper."

Ole made a big "X" on the paper.

"What's that?" he was asked.

"That's my mark."

"You're supposed to sign your name."

"That's my mark," Ole replied, "I cannot read or write."

"What? We're sorry, to work here you have to be able to sign your name."

Well, Ole finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat. He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.

One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity. The mayor says, "Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form.

"Sven made a big "X" on the paper.

"What's that?" he was asked.

"That's my mark."

"Your mark?" the mayor asked.

"Aih, I cannot read or write, so that's my mark."

"You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?" The mayor exclaimed. "Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!"

"Yes," Sven said. "I could have been a church janitor."

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Ole and Lena bought a new car. They were so excited about it that when they got home they locked the keys in the car. Ole says to Lena, "I thought you had the keys."

Lena says, "You were driving, the driver always takes the keys."

"Well," says Ole, "It doesn't much matter, the question is what are we going to do about it."

Lena says, "I don't know, but we better come up with something fast because it looks like rain, and you had to go and leave the top down."

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"Hey Sven!" cries Ole, "I just bought a rare antique coin."

"Let me see," says Sven.

Studying the coin he continues, "That's not an antique coin."

"What do you mean?" cried Ole. "Of course its an antique. It says 93 b.c. right on it."

"Yep," said Sven, "It had me fooled too at first, but then I realized that if the coin were genuine the 93 b.c. would be in Roman Numerals."

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Sven and Ole were out looking for a job, and they got an interview at a trucking company. The boss was asking them questions, and he says to Sven, "Sven, pretend that you're driving the truck in the mountains and Ole is asleep in the back. You're going downhill, when all of a sudden your brakes go out. What do you do?"

Sven say, "Well the first thing I'd do is wake up Ole, because he's never seen an accident before!"

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Sven and Ole were walking through a field and saw a big hole. They wondered how deep it was; so they threw a rock in but didn't hear it hit the ground.

So they looked around and found a big plank, which they dragged over and threw in the hole. Again, they didn't hear a thing, but all of a sudden a goat came running by at incredible speed and plunged down the hole. Still they didn't hear a sound.

A bit later a farmer came by looking for his goat.

Sven said, "It might be the goat who just ran past and jumped in the hole."

"Oh, no," said the farmer, "that can't be... my goat is tied to big heavy plank."

Link to Finn jokes and Ole and Lena jokes, Page 4 of 4