Finn Jokes, Page 4
Sven and Ole were watching the late evening news. There was a man on the ledge of all tall building and the police were trying to talk
Sven said, "Ole, do you think he's going to jump?"
Ole said, "He's not going to jump."
Sven said, "He is going to jump, I'm so sure of it I'll bet you five dollars."
Ole said, "I'll take that bet, `cause I know he's not gonna jump."
The man jumped.
Ole got out his five dollars.
Sven said, "Ole, I cannot take your money. I have a confession to make. I saw this on the news earlier, so I knew he was going to jump."
Ole said, "Take your money, Sven. I saw it too, but I did not think he would be dumb enough to try it again."
One fine spring day, Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his
new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30
"Oh, no", Ole protested, "I vas only doing thirty, Officer."
"No, you were doing fifty", replied the cop.
"Really, Officer, I vas only doing thirty", Ole replied stubbornly.
"Well", sniffed the cop, "I clocked you doing fifty!"
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. "Officer...you really shouldn't argue vit Ole ven he's been
One day three men went hunting. There was a hunter, an Indian, and Ole. So the indian goes out hunting and comes back with a deer. The
hunter asked him how he caught this great deer. The Indian replied, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, I shot the deer."
The next day the hunter went out hunting and came back with an even bigger deer. Ole asked him how he caught such a great deer, and
the hunter replied, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, I shot the deer."
The next day Ole went out hunting and came back all bloody, with broken bones. The hunter and the indian asked him what happened.
He replied, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, I got hit by a train."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Finland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Finland, too! Let's have another round to Finland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Finland are you from?"
"Rauma," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Rauma, too! Let's have another drink to Rauma."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "Where did you live?"
"On a boat, at the fishing docks," replies the second man.
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at the fishing docks, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Toivo are drunk again."
This guy, Peder, goes to the World Cup Soccer Finals. His seat is in the nosebleed section but that's OK - he's at the World Cup. So he
starts looking around the stadium with his binoculars and sees a guy in one of the best seats in the stadium with an empty seat beside
him. It looks like an old friend he knew when he went to school back in Norway, named Ole. This is driving Peder nuts, so finally at
half time, he goes down, says hello to his old friend, and asks Ole why he has a vacant seat in such a choice location.
Ole says, "My wife, Lena, and I bought these seats a long time ago. But unfortunately, Lena passed away."
"Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that", Peder says, "but why didn't you give the ticket to another relative or a friend?"
Ole replies, "Well, they're all at the funeral."
While Ole's next door neighbor Jerry was driving home in his pickup truck he saw Ole dragging a dead horse down the side of the
road. As he stopped to see what Ole was up to Ole said, "Hey Jerry, you’re a life saver. If you'll help me get this dead horse home we'll
drink some beer."
They loaded it up and drove over to Ole's. Ole said, "I've got lots of cold beer, help me get da horse inside."
After they were inside Ole said, "Help me get him upstairs and in the tub, I got da beer in dem big quart bottles." Once the horse was in
the tub Ole put a pink shower cap on it.
After they got down stairs and were at the kitchen table sucking down a couple of cold ones Jerry said, " Ole, it’s none of my business
but what’s the deal with the dead horse?"
Ole replied, " Da udder day when I told my smart ass brother Sven that da Johnson's barn burnt down he said, "I know, Ole, I know".
When I told him there was a three car pile up down at the big intersection he said, "I know, Ole, I know". Now, when he comes home
from work and goes upstairs to take a shower, he's going to come running downstairs screaming about da dead horse with the pink
shower hat on his head and I'm going to say, "Yah, I know, Sven, I know."
One day Ole and Lena were outside, and it started to rain. They thought nothing of it. Well, the rains kept coming until the main floor of
their house became filled with water.
Lena said, "Ole, what are we going to do? The water is coming in."
"Let's go upstairs. The rain won't last that long, and it won't get up there," was Ole's reply.
So Ole and Lena went upstairs to wait for the rain to stop. After a short time Lena looked at her feet and saw they were immersed in
"Ole! Ole! the rain has reached us up here. What are we going to do?"
"Lena, calm down. We'll just go up on the roof. The water will NEVER reach us up there. It's too high."
After sitting on the roof for a period of time, Lena noticed a hat floating down stream. She, of course, thought that someone had just lost
his hat and the current was taking the hat with it. However, when she looked at the water rising again, she noticed that the hat was
coming back up stream. That hat kept going down stream and then back upstream, downstream and back upstream.
"Ole, look at that hat," she said.
Ole was as puzzled as she was. Then it suddenly hit him. He remembered what Sven had told him.
"Lena, I know why that hat is going back and forth upstream. When I talked to Sven yesterday, he said that come hell or high water he
was going to mow his lawn today!!"
Late one night from the Finland Int'l airport, Sven and Ole phoned their wives back in the States to inform them of their expected time of
arrival back home after their Scandinavian vacation.
Sven and Ole then boarded the 4-prop airplane headed back to the States. All was going well until the Captain announced over the PA
system that there had been engine trouble in engine number 4, and as a result their arrival time in the States would be pushed back 30
minutes. Sven told Ole that this shouldn't be too much of a problem with his wife, as she was usually not punctual and would probably
be late to get him anyway. Ole agreed, and the flight continued.
An hour later the Captain came on the PA system again, announcing that there had now been problems with engine number 1, and as a
result the flight would be 60 minutes late in arrival in the States. This time it was Ole who spoke, telling Sven that now there could be a
problem with his wife, as she was not an extremely patient person in these matters. Sven consoled Ole by telling him that he could ride
home with him and his wife if Ole's wife didn't wait for the late arrival.
At about the same time the two had resolved the issue and drifted off to sleep, the Captain got on the PA system a third time. He
announced his apologies, but there now had been troubles with engine 3, and as a result the flight would be 90 minutes late. It was at this
time that Ole looked over at Sven, and in utter dismay announced, "For cryin' out loud. If another engine goes out we'll be up here all
Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so
off they went to the Unemployment office. Asked his
occupation, Ole said, "Panty Stitcher; I sew the
elastic into cotton panties." The clerk looked up
panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled
labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he
replied. Since Diesel Fitter was a skilled job, the
clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out, he
was furious. He stormed back into the Unemployment
office to find out why his friend and co-worker was
collecting double his pay. The clerk explained that
Panty Stitchers were unskilled, and Diesel Fitters
were skilled labor. "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew
the elastic on the panties! Sven just pulls them on
over his head and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter'."
THE LEFSE SONG
(to the tune of "The Camptown Races")
Norsky ladies sing dis song...Uff da! Uff da!
Bake dat lefse all day long...all da Uff da day.
Bake it till it's almost brown...Uff da! Uff da!
Makes you yump yust like a clown... all da Uff da day!
Gonna bake all night!...Gonna bake all day!
I'll spend my money on potatoes and flour,
to have me an Uff da day.
Vent to town for some lutefisk...Uff da! Uff da!
De vedder vas so cold and brisk, all da Uff da day.
Used my lefse for a Mackinaw...Uff da! Uff da!
Greatest yacket I ever saw!
Lefse saved da day.
Vent to town in my model T...Uff da! Uff da!
Tire vent flat and I said, "Poor me!"
It vas an Uff da day.
Used dat lefse for a patch...Uff da! Uff da!
Now I gotta bake me anudder batch,
Oh da Uff da day!
Then there was the dumb Finnlander in court who heard the judge say:
"Ole, I'm going to have to give you 10 days or fifty dollars!"
Ole replied, "Vell, I'm short of money right now, so I'll take da fifty
Lena says, "Vimmen spend 1/3 of their lives looking for a husband....
den dey spend another 2/3 vundering vhere he is!"
A smart Finnlander, a dumb Finnlander, Santa Claus, and an
environmentally responsible Republican spotted a one hundred dollar
bill laying on the sidewalk.
Which one got to keep it?
The dumb Finn. The other three are fictional.
And then there was the time that Ole and Lena were in court getting a
divorce. The judge told Ole, "Ole, I have decided to give Lena $400
dollars a month in support." "Vell, dat's fine vid me," said Ole. "And
vunce in a vhile, I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."
Did you hear about the Finn who was so dumb that he thought that
Manual Labor was the President of Mexico?
Did you hear about the two dumb Finns that hi-jacked a submarine?
As ransom, they demanded $100,000 dollars and two parachutes.
Ole has a digital alarm to wake up in the morning to wake up to.
Lena pokes him with her finger.
The schoolteacher asked little Sven, "Sven, what is the difference
between ignorance and apathy?" Sven answered, "I don't know, and I don't
An oil drilling company in Texas had a big well fire. Even Red Adair
couldn't put it out. They offered an award of $50,000 dollars. A
Finnish fire department from southern Texas offered to come up and put
out the fire. As they came roaring up the highway, they turned off into
the oil field....not only up to the oil fire, but right INTO IT. The
Finnish firemen jumped out of the fire truck and began to frantically
thrash at the fire with their jackets. Miraculously, the fire was put
out by these Finns! As the superintendent reacted with amazement,
he led Ole, the fire chief, into his office where he made out the check
for $50,000 dollars. "Congratulations, Ole. What do you intend to do
with the money?" the superintendent asked. Ole replied, "Vell, first of
all ve vill haff to get da brakes fixed on our fire truck."
A Swede was in a pub in Finland and a regular customer suggested to him,
"I'll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head." The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer pressure. The Finn smashed the first bottle on the Swede's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.
"So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?" asked the Swede.
"I am not a total idiot," the Finn replied, "then I would have to give you that $200."
Heikki and Toivo lived in the big city together. They were having their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
The weatherman says, "There will be 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. To make sure the snow gets removed properly you must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Heikki gets up from his coffee and goes park the car on the odd numbered side of the street.
The next day, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast says, "There 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. Today, cars must be parked on the even numbered side of the streets." Since it's his turn, Toivo heads outside to park the car on the even side of the street.
A few days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast says, "We are expecting 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power goes out so Heikki and Toivo don't get to hear the rest of the instructions.
Heikki says, "What are we going to do now, Toivo?"
Toivo says, "Aw, Heikki let's just leave the car in the garage!"
The Finns were fighting the Russians; each army was entrenched not far from
the other. It had been quiet lately, no shots had been exchanged
for some time. The Russians devised a plan: since Toivo was a common Finnish name,
a Russian soldier would shout "Toivo!" and when a Finnish soldier named Toivo would
stand to be recognized, he would be shot. The plan worked. A Russian soldier
would shout "Toivo!" A Finnish soldier named Toivo would respond by standing
up and answering "Ya?" and then be shot.
This happened several times before the Finns finally caught on. The Finns
decided that they would shout out "Ivan!" and there would likely be a
Russian soldier named Ivan who would then stand and then they could shoot him.
So, a Finnish soldier shouted "Ivan!" From the Russian trench a voice yelled
back, "Is that you, Toivo?" "Ya." Bang!
A Finn, a Swede, and a Norwegian person had to go to the moon. The rocket captain said “You can take one thing with you but it must not be over 35 kg.” The Norwegian took many science and history books. The Swedish man took his wife. The Finnish man took a pipe. Then they flew to the moon.
Two months later they returned and the captain asked, “What have you learnt on this trip?” The Norwegian has learnt many things to do with science and history. The Swedish man has now many children, and the Finnish man was sitting in the room shaking. The captain asked, “What’s the matter with you?” The Finnish man replied, “Have you got a match?!!”
Ole was very ill, on his deathbed upstairs in his farm house. He called his family
to be around him. Ole asked, "Is my wife of fifty years here, Lena are you here?"
"Yes, Ole, I am here," came the woman's reply as she took his hand. Ole then asked, "Is my son Toivo here, too?" "Yes, father, I am here, right beside you
on the bed." Ole then asked, "Is my daughter Martta here, too?" "Yes, Papa, I
am here." To which Ole replied, "If everyone is up here with me, then why is
the light in the kitchen still on?"
Ole and Lena had never been camping and they heard about a nice camp near Grand Rapids, Minnesota. Lena was worried about the toilet facilities, but she didn't want to use the word "toilet," so she wrote a letter to the campground owner. She remembered that around Minot, North Dakota where they lived, they used to call it an L.C. or Lavatory Commode. But she was prim that she didn't want to say toilet or Lavatory Commode, so she simply asked in her letter if the camp has an L.C.
The campground owner read Lena's letter and was puzzled about the initials L.C. He finally decided it meant LUTHERAN CHURCH. So he wrote back to Lena the following letter:
"I am happy to inform you there is a local L.C. located nine miles north of the camp ground. I realize this is kind of far if you are used to going regular. It is really a nice one...it seats 250 people. The last time my wife and I went was 6 years ago and it was so crowded we had to wait 20 minutes to be seated. Some people like it so much that they bring their lunch and make a day of it. There is going to be a fund raising dinner in the basement of the L.C. and they're going to use the money to buy more seats. It pains me that I can't go more often like I know I should, but it gets more difficult when you get older, especially in the winter. So, you come down and stay at our camp, and maybe we can go with you the first time to the L.C. and sit with you and I'll introduce you to all the nice folks around here, because, after all, this is a very friendly community."*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*
LENA: "Ole, if I die first, will you promise to ride to the cemetery with my mother?"
OLE: "Well, I suppose I can. But, I tell you . . . it will ruin my whole day." *=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*
Ole and Lena had married under not so happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag of either. But when Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment after being married for thirty-five years, the whole town gasped with amazement.
A date for a hearing was set, and when the time came the judge insisted to know the reasons why Ole demanded an annulment.
"It's like this," announced Ole, "I just learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry that gun."
Ole was hired to paint the yellow stripe down the highway. His first day he painted ten miles. The second day he only painted five.
His boss, thinking that he was getting slower because he had started off too hard on the first day, decided to give him a day off to rest. But when Ole came back to work the next day, he only painted half a mile.
So his boss asked, "Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?"
"Simple," Ole answered. "I've been getting farther away from the paint can!"
One day Ole was at the store and was talking with a gentleman when he said, "I really don't know what I should get Lena for our anniversary."
"Well, what did you get her last time?" asked the other.
"I took her on a trip to Germany," answered Ole.
"Maybe you should take her on another trip," suggested the other.
Ole thought for a while and then said happily, "It would be the perfect gift! I'll send her a airline ticket so she can come back!"
Ole was hired by the city council in a town in Minnesota to be one of the town's traffic cops. While on duty one day, Ole stopped a speeder and began to write up a ticket.
"What is your name?" asked Ole.
The motorist answered, "Tchichailow Nladivkowski."
Ole's hesitated for a while before he put his pen back into his shirt pocket, saying,
"Well, I'll let you go this time, but don't let me catch you speeding in this town again!"