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Finn Jokes, Page 2



Both Ole and Sven wanted some money, so they went to the bank for a loan. Sven went in first. "I want $10,000!"

"What do you do for a living?" asked the manager.

"I'm a pilot!" said Sven.

"Well, that is a good profession!" said the manager, so he gave him the money.

Then Ole went in and said, "I want $10,000 too!"

"Well, what do you do for a living?" asked the manager.

"I'm a lumberjack," he replied.

"Well, I can't give a lumberjack that kind of money," said the manager.

"Well, what's the deal with that, if I don't cut the wood, Sven can't pile it."

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Ole and Lena were ice fishing one day and Ole ran out of snoose. He told Lena she'd have to go across the lake and get some from Svenís General Store.

After she left Ole called Sven on his cell phone and explained that Lena was coming after snoose for him, but he'd have to charge it because he didn't send any money with her.

When Lars asked why not, Ole explained, "I didn't know how thick the ice was."

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One day Lena stops Ole and tells him that the outhouse is full and he has to do something about it. Ole comments that Sven is coming over the next weekend, and since he has been going to an engineering school he should have an idea of the best way to handle the situation.

That weekend Sven comes over and Ole explains his dilemma....

"Sven, we got to do somethin' about the outhouse, it is full and Lena is getting very upset about it."

"Well Ole, I have an idea. We will place several sticks of dynamite around the outside of the outhouse with a fuse just long enough to allow us to run behind the house before it goes off. The outhouse will be blown straight up, the crap in the hole will be blown out into the fields to fertilize them, then outhouse will fall right back down to were it was."

Ole thought this was a fantastic plan so Ole and Sven got to work and set all the dynamite just right. They lit the fuse and ran for the house. Just as they got to the back of the house Lena came running out the back door and made a bee line for the outhouse. Before Ole could stop her she ducked into the outhouse slamming the door behind her and......

BOOOOM!, the dynamite blew.......the outhouse then shot straight up, the crap was blown out to the fields, and the outhouse dropped right back down where it originally sat, just like Sven had planned.

Ole runs to the outhouse worried about Lena and reaches it just as she opens the door to come out. "Lena, Lena.....are you alright?"

Lena is a little shaken up but responds .... "Yes Ole, I am fine.......but I have to tell you, I'm sure glad I didn't let that one go in the house!"

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Ole and Lena went to a fair. Ole was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said Ole.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

Ole and Lena agreed and went for a wild ride.

After they landed, the pilot said to Ole, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said Ole, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

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Ole, Sven, and Nels came into the bar. They were high-fiving each other, shouting, and generally having a celebration of some sort.

"Line 'em up," Ole shouted as the party continued.

They drank and carried on for hours. Finally the bartenderís curiosity got the better of him. "Just what are you celebrating?" he asked.

"51 days! We did it in 51 days!" they responded.

"What did you do in 51 days?" he probed.

"Put the puzzle together," they replied, "51 days, and the box said 3-5 years!"

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Ole was walking through the mountains of Norway on his way to visit Lena. He was thinking more about the supper he knew she had planned for him instead of where he was walking. All of a sudden he slipped and slid over the edge of the cliff beside the mountain path. About 20 feet down, and with several hundred more feet to go, he frantically grabbed onto a bush that moved but held for the moment.

There he was, hanging by a bush, above certain death, and his hands began to perspire and tire almost immediately. "Is anyone up there?" Ole hollered.

"I'm here Ole," came the deep voice from above.

"Who's there? Can you help me?" Ole yelled back.

The voice answered, "It's the Lord, Ole. Let go and I will save you."

Ole looked down, and he looked up, and he looked at his slipping hands, and he looked down again, and he looked up again.

Finally, he yelled back up the side of the cliff, "Is anyone else up there?"

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Ole's dream had always been to leave Minnesota and see the ocean. He would always try to get Lena to take off and go to Cape Cod, but she always said she couldn't leave because of work. Finally, to get Ole to stop pestering her, she told him he should just take the trip by himself.

Ole made it to Cape Cod all right, and was completely in awe when he finally got to see the ocean. He wandered up and down the beach, amazed by its size. Not looking where he was going, he accidentally kicked over a half-buried bottle in the sand. In a huge puff of smoke, a genie appeared. Thankful to be released, the genie offered Ole one wish.

"I can't help but wonder what the ocean looks like from the other side", Ole said. "I'd like you to build me a bridge all the way across the ocean so I can walk to the other side and see the view." The genie, realizing the complexity of his wish, told Ole to try to think of a little more realistic wish. Ole said, "Back in Minnesota, people tease us Finnlanders about being kinda dumb. I wish you could make us seem as smart as all the other people."

The genie replied, "Did you want that to be a two-lane or a four-lane?"

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When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down der yust for 50 cents."

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Lena: "Der is trouble vit da car, sveetheart. It has vater in da carburetor."

Ole: "Vater in da carburetor? Dat is ridiculous."

Lena: "Ole, I tell you da car has vater in the carburetor."

Ole: "You don't even know vat a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Ver is da car?"

Lena: "In da lake."

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Lena once had two chickens. One of them got terribly sick. So she killed the other one to make soup to get the first one well again.

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A Norwegian, Swede and Finn made a bet about who could stay the longest in a pig house. (Pigs have their own houses for winter use on Scandinavian farms because it's so cold.) They all went in at the same time. After five minutes the Swede came running out. Fifteen minutes later the Norwegian stumbled out the door. After twenty minutes the pig ran out.

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Ole was hired by a limousine company in Minneapolis to drive one of those long fancy expensive limousines. One day Ole received an important call to St. Patrick's Cathedral. To Ole's surprise, his passenger turned out to be the Pope. He had very important business in St. Paul, so Ole was hired by the Pope's aides to drive the Pope in his limousine.

The Pope admired the new limo and commented to Ole that he'd never driven a limousine. He asked Ole if it would be all right for him to drive the car a few miles. Ole said it was OK and stopped to let the Pope behind the wheel and he jumped into the back seat. As the Pope drove down the interstate highway, the speedometer went steadily higher ? 60 miles per hour...70....80. Well, it was bound to happen. At 90 miles per hour, the Pope attracted the attention of a highway patrolman.

After they were stopped, the Pope and Ole sat and waited patiently as the patrolman approached them. The trooper carefully looked into the limousine and went back to his patrol car. "Chief," he said over the radio, "you're not going to believe what an important car I've stopped!"

The chief asked, "Is this person more important than the governor?"

"Oh, much more," replied the patrolman.

"What about a U.S. Senator?" asked the chief.

"Far, far more important," answered the patrolman.

"Well then, it must be the President of the United States," declared the chief.

"Nope," replied the trooper. "This guy is the most important man I've ever seen."

"Well, just HOW IMPORTANT is this gentleman?" demanded the chief.

"Well, I don't know," answered the trooper. "All I know is this guy looks like a Finn, but he's got the POPE for a chauffeur!"

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Ole and Lena are getting older, and vun day dey vas out in the car and Ole sees the red lights flashing in the mirror. So he pulls over and the policeman says "Ole, vat the heck are you doing?"

"Vell," says Ole, "Lena and I vent over der to da supermarket and got some tings for our dinner, and now ve yust have to go over to da drugstore for our medicine."

"OLE!" says the policeman, "Lena fell out of your car four blocks back!!"

"Oh, tank God" said Ole, "It vas so quiet dat I thought I vas goin' deaf!"

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Lar's friend Ole stopped by for a visit one day. "How's it going vit your marriage, Ole? Is da honeymoon over yet?"

"Vell, da marriage is doing fine." said Ole. "And Lena she treats me yust like a Greek god."

"Dat's great," said Lars. "How do you get treated like a Greek God, Ole?"

"Vel, you see, Lars, every night da wife serves me a BURNT OFFERING!" replied Ole.

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Ole went to the doctor for a physical. After Ole was dressed the doctor came in and said, "I am sorry Ole, but you are very sick and have only a few weeks to live."

Ole went home with a heavy heart to tell Lena the news. After Ole told Lena he sat in his easy chair and Lena went to the kitchen. Soon Ole began to smell a heavenly aroma that came from their kitchen. Lena was making his favorite cookies! Lena must really love me, thought Ole.

He went into the kitchen and started to take a cookie, but Lena slapped his hand away and said, "Ole, you can't eat these. These cookies are for the funeral!"

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One particular Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and having just returned from church with Lena he was feeling a little religious. "God," said Ole, "vhen you made Lena, vhy did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant to hold?"

Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole."

"Vell then vhy, oh vhy," asked Ole, "vhy Lord did you make her so stupid?"

"So she would love you," replied the voice.

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Lena decided that she and Ole needed a bit of culture so she purchased tickets to the ballet. That evening after watching the performance for about 30 minutes Ole leaned over to Lena and whispered in her ear, "I don't see vhy dey dance on their toes. Vhy don't dey yust get taller dancers?"

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Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

Ole said, "No, I'm Finnish...and my name isn't Valter."

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Lena greeted Ole at the door of their apartment when he came home from work. "Guess vhat," said Lena. "Remember ve have been talking about getting a more expensive apartment?"

"Ya," said Ole. "Vhat about it?"

"Vell," said Lena, "now ve don't have to look. Da landlord yust raised da rent!"

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Ole was going on a trip to Finland and after boarding the plane he sat down in seat 16A. After a few minutes the passenger assigned to seat 16A came along and pointed out to Ole that he was in the wrong seat. Ole told the other passenger that he was comfortable where he was and the other passenger could find another seat.

The passenger tried to convince Ole to move by showing him his ticket and seat assignment. Ole refused to move. In frustration, the passenger went to see the stewardess and told her what had happened. The stewardess spoke to Ole at length but was unable to convince him to move. The stewardess got very vocal with Ole and after coming to the verge of losing her temper she gave up and went to see if the captain could help.

The captain came back to Ole, bent down toward Ole's ear and whispered something. Ole jumped to his feet and ran back to his proper seat. The other passenger and the stewardess were astonished that the captain could get Ole to move so easily. They asked him what he whispered to Ole. The captain said, "I just told him that 16A wasn't going to Finland."

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Sven and Ole went hunting for deer one day. As good hunters always do, they stopped to ask the farmer permission to hunt. The farmer agreed to let the two hunt, but warned them that he had a very large farm and it was easy to become lost. He told the two hunters that if they got lost to fire three shots into the air and he would come get them. This sounded like a good plan and they were off.

About a half hour later the two found themselves totally lost. Sven said, "Ole, I believe ve be lost, you better fire three shots into de air."

"Ya, I tink you're right, Sven," said Ole. "Ve better get dat farmer going." So Ole fires three shots into the air with great expectations of seeing the farmer.

A half hour passes and no farmer. Sven says, "Ole, I tink you better fire three more shots into the air, the farmer has not come yet."

"I can't," said Ole, "I run out of arrows."

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Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it.

"Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed the sign in your yard that says 'Boat For Sale,' but you don't even have a boat. All you have is your old John Deere tractor and combine."

Ole replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale."

Link to Finn jokes and Ole and Lena jokes, Page 3 of 4