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Finn Jokes, Page 1



Q: What is dumber than a dumb Finnlander?
A: A smart Swede.

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Q: How can you tell if a Finn is extroverted?
A: He looks at your shoes when he talks with you.

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Q: Why do Finnish people never play hide and seek?
A: Nobody wants to look for them.

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Q: Why does the NEW Finnish Navy have glass-bottom boats?
A: To see the OLD Finnish Navy.

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Lena came to America from Finland and got a job as a maid for a wealthy family. Well, Lena wasn't too diligent in her work. Finally, one day the lady of the house called Lena into the parlor and said, "Look, Lena, I can write my name in the dust on the grand piano. Now what do you have to say?" Lena replied, "Oh, missus, it must be vunderful to haff an eddication."

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Ole and Lena were Finnish farmers who, unlike other Finns who farmed in northern Minnesota, farmed in the southern part of Minnesota, adjacent to the Iowa border.

One day a surveyor came to Ole and Lena's farm to survey their property. After he finished, the surveyor met with Ole and Lena and said, "I surveyed your property, but I found a problem. All these years you thought your farm was in Minnesota, but my results show your farm is in Iowa."

The surveyor looked at Ole and Lena for a response, but instead of them being upset, they looked pleased.

"I thought you would be upset," said the surveyor. "Why do you both look so happy?"

"Well," said Ole, "I'm so glad now. I didn't think we could stand another of those terrible Minnesota winters!"

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Ole had a car accidentÖ..

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and vas driving her down the highway ven this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'"
"Now vat the HELL vould YOU say?"
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There were two Finns who worked on a ranch. One was newly married and the other was single. As they walked home one night after a hard day's work, the newly married Finn said, "Well, I think I'll go home and take off my overalls and yumper." The single one replied, "Well, I think I'll go to the bunkhouse and take off my overalls and yacket."

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When Ole went to play cards with da boys his friend Lars asked him, " Why is it when we play cards you bring your wife, when we go fishing you bring your wife, and when we go bowling you bring your wife."

Ole replied, "Have you noticed that Lena is a kind of ugly? Dis way I don't have to kiss her good-bye."

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Ole, Lena, and little Ole went to the big City for the first time. They were walking down the street and looking in the windows of the big buildings. Little Ole spotted something that caught his eye and ran into a building. Big Ole and Lena followed him. There they all stood in front of a shiny metal door that was cut into a wall of black marble. A chubby, elderly, gray haired lady walked up and pushed a button on the wall next to the door. The door opened and she walked into the little room behind the shiny door. The door closed and the numbers above the door counted up and then down again. The shiny doors opened and a beautiful, well built, young lady walked out.

Little Ole said, "What kind of machine is dat, Dad?"

Big Ole replied, "I don't know little Ole, but push dat button and shove your Ma in there."

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Ole and his brother Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There's no fish under the ice."

Ole an Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, "There's no fish under the ice."

They both looked around and then looked up.

Ole said, "Are you God?"

The voice spoke back, "No, the ice rink attendant."

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Ole and Sven went fishing one summer and decided to rent a boat from the resort instead of fishing from the shore. They rowed out a ways and started to fish. They caught one fish after the other. Ole says to Sven, "I wish we could mark this spot. Itís the best fishing I've seen since I was a boy."

Sven replied, "I got some chalk in my tackle box, so why don't I put an X right here on the bottom of the boat?"

Ole laughed, "You goofy brother of mine...What if we don't rent the same boat next time?"

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"Hey Sven," said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a Combine?"

After Sven replied, "I don't know."

Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."

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Sven came over to help Ole put new siding on his house. They put on their nail aprons and grabbed their hammers. They were going at it like a couple of professionals when Ole noticed Sven doing something strange. Every once in a while Sven would pull a nail out of his apron and put it up to the siding. Instead of pounding it in he would throw it over his shoulder.

Ole said, "Hey Sven, what are you doing that fer?"

To which he said, "Some of deese nails is broke. Da head is on da wrong end."

Ole replied, "No-No, Sven, dem nails is fer da udder side of da house."

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Ole went to the Doctor because he was feeling a little sick. After a few tests the Doctor told Ole, "I'm sorry to tell you that you have a rare disease that is incurable and you are going to die in 6 months. But to help you out I'm going to prescribe that you move in with your mother-in-law."

Ole replied, "Thatís terrible Doc, but why should I move in with my rotten mother-in-law?"

The Doc said, "Because that will be the longest 6 months of your life."

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Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"

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Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? "

ďJust a minute, " said the busy clerk.

"Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink Iíll yust take da bus."

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The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

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Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?"

"No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

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Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Finn and a canoe?"

"No, I don't," said Ole.

"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

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Ole and Lena were visited by a door-to-door salesman. He tried to convince them that if they bought the big freezer he was selling, they would save enough on food bills to pay for the freezer.

Ole responded that they were paying for the house on what they were saving on rent. And they were saving on movie tickets with the price of cable TV.

Finally, Ole said, "And we're saving on laundromat with the new washer and dryer. So, I guess ve have to say, ve can't afford to save any more right now."

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A Texan was driving past Ole's farm in a big convertible with steer horns on the hood. He saw Ole out front working on a tractor and stopped for a chat. The Texan said, "How big a spread do you got here?"

To which Ole said, "It goes from da road here, back to dat woods back there, and from da creek down there, over to da Johnsonís barn up on dat hill. How big a spread do you got?"

The Texan replied, "I can jump in my pickup truck and drive all day and not get to the other side of my ranch."

Ole laughed, "I had me a truck like dat once myself and sold dat junker to my crazy brother Sven."

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The Mailman was making a delivery to Ole's house and noticed a Penguin walking around the side yard. After asking Ole where it came from and finding out that it just showed up a couple of days before, he told Ole that Penguins don't normally walk around Minnesota and maybe Ole should take him to the Zoo. Ole agreed with him and said he would do it this afternoon.

The next day while driving by Ole's the Mailman noticed the Penguin was still there. He stopped and said to Ole, " I thought you said you were going to take the Penguin to the Zoo yesterday."

Ole replied, "I did, and we had so much fun that dis afternoon we are going to a Twins game."

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Sven was taking his Hotrod for a spin when he saw little Ole trying to peddle his bicycle up a long steep hill. He decided to have some fun and told his nephew that he had a rope and could pull him up the hill. Little Ole agreed and Sven told him the he would go slow. He also told him that if he went to fast that little Ole should toot at him with his bicycle horn mounted on the handle bars.

Sven started out slowly but little by little picked up speed. When he got going too fast for little Ole to jump off he decide to have some real fun. He put the gas peddle to the floor and let the engine go wide open. As they went over the top of the hill there was a Police car on the other side with a Radar unit.

The officer radioed in, " Sarge, You won't believe this. I just clocked that crazy Sven in his Hotrod going a hundred and ten."

The Sargent replied, " What's so hard to believe about that?"

The patrol officer then said, "Itís his nephew Little Ole on a bicycle behind him tooting his horn so he can pass."

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The neighbor boy, Billy, and little Ole had their birthdays in the same week. They got together to compare presents. Billy got a new Motorcycle and little Ole, whose parents weren't so wealthy, got a new pair of Tennis Shoes. They both argued about whose gift was better and decided to race.

Billy took off and ran his cycle through first gear and into second gear. He looked over and there was little Ole right next to him. Up through second and into third and little Ole was running along side. Billy wound the cycle up tight in third and hit fourth gear. When he looked over little Ole was nowhere to be seen. Billy went back, only to find his friend lying in the ditch with his left foot smoking.

Billy asked, " What are you doing in that ditch?"

Little Ole said back, "Did you ever blow a Tenny going 90?"

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Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the woods and were becoming desperate, having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, and their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for nuts, he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out.

The genie says, "I am da great genie of the North and I can grant each of you vun vish."

Ole says, "I vish I vas back on my farm." Poof! And Ole was gone.

Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm with Ole." Poof! And Lena's gone. Sven just sat there in the snow and looked very sad.

"Sven, vat is it dat you vish for?" asked the genie.

Sven says, "Gee, I'm so lonely, I vish Ole and Lena vere back here wid me."

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One night, Ole and Lena were fast asleep when all of a sudden the phone rings. Ole wakens and goes to answer it.

"How the heck should I know, that's a thousand miles away!!" he barks into the phone and then slams down the receiver.

"Who was that?" asks Lena.

"I have no idea, Lena," answers Ole. "Somebody wanted to know if the coast is clear."

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Ole walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

Ole says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

Ole says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

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Little Ole was sitting at the kitchen table doing his school homework. He had a puzzled look on his face as he considered the assignment that was due--writing an essay about his origin. He turned to question his mother.

"Mama, vere did Grandma come from?" he asked.

"Da stork brought her, " answered mama Lena.

"And vere did yew come from?" asked Little Ole.

"Da stork brought me, " his mother answered.

"And vere did I come from?" Little Ole inquired.

"Vell, son, da stork brought yew, tew," mama Lena replied.

With a scowl on his face, Little Ole picked up his pencil, turned to his school tablet, and began writing his essay: "Dere have been no natural births in our family for three yenerations."

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One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails.

"Good gracious, " said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?"

"It vas really simple, " was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."

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Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.

"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.

"No," replied Lars.

"Vell don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

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Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."

"How come?" asked Lars.

"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."

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Ole was having eye trouble, so he went to see the optometrist.

"Put this little gadget over your left eye, Ole," said the optometrist. "Not over the right eye, over the left eye. No, Ole, I said left eye. Now right . . . No Ole, your right eye!"

Completely confused, Ole just looked at the optometrist.

"Now, Ole," the optometrist continued, "just remember which is your left hand. Okay, Ole, cover your right eye . . . No Ole, that's your left eye!"

Finally in exasperation, the optometrist took a brown paper bag, cut a hole in it, put it over Ole's head, and moved the hole back and forth from the left eye to the right eye.

"Now, Ole," asked the optometrist, "How is that?"

"Vell, Doc, I guess it's all right," said Ole. "But I vas vishing I could have some wire rims like Toivo."

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Ole and Sven loved to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about a good lake and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, Ole was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and Ole left.

In about an hour, he was back. He said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The fellow couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all, " Ole said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

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Ole and Lena were so excited to get a new cellular phone. Ole was to call when he was on his way home from town. Ole called Lena when he entered the freeway.

"Lena put supper on, I'm on my way home."

Lena says, "Be careful because I hear some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway."

"It's worse than that, Lena; where I'm at there are a hundred cars going the wrong way!"

Link to Finn jokes and Ole and Lena jokes, Page 2 of 4